samedi, avril 09, 2005

Shake, Rattle and Roll


Yesterday�s blog was quilled in a hurry while the Papal funeral was reaching its conclusion. I penned it while the whole ceremony was in full swing and all the attendees listed in the blog where making their presence felt (by being there). It is for this reason that poor Prince Charles was at a disadvantage. He could not have read my blog in time. Bonnie Charlie could not have been forewarned of the presence of the archenemy of democracy in the midst of the eminent crowds. �I have sent you, a lamb among the wolves� is I believe the quote oft repeated in that meistermovie �The Devil�s Advocate�.

And lamb he was. Apparently the soon-to-be-wed Prince was sprung upon by the devilish Bobbie Mugabe and, caught unawares, could not refuse the bugger a handshake. Of course not. It would be ungentlemanly. Unprincely even. We are to believe that the Prince did not have sufficient time to recognise the fiend. One quick look at the photos on BBC and all is understood...

I can picture it happening. Prince C intent on understanding the Roman Catholic rites of mass in order not to be impolite (although deep down he is having wicked thoughs about his prima notte with Camilla Parkyour Bowels) and in order to follow all protocol as per the book. Meanwhile Robert the Zimbabwean Saviour Mugabe has been placed �strategically� by the Vatican protocol to the left of the polite prince.

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Observation #1: Since Mugabe is to the left of Prince C, and exactly to the left, he is definitely outside his line of vision - in fact we can say that Prince C�s view is impaired by a large satellite immediately to the left of his head a.k.a. the left earlobe.

Observation #2: Prince Charles could not have read my blog giving him (should that H be capital or is it just for Jesus?) adequate warning of Mugabe�s presence. He was not fore-warned. Pre- before and -monitio warned, which itself derives from munire - to arm. Interesting, fore-armed as in Maltese... bniedem avzat nofsu armat. We obviously believe that we must have got the saying from the Romans but I am sure that it was really a Scipio Renatus Zammitellus who came up with the saying for the first time. Anyway... ma kienx jaf miskin!

So, when at a strategic moment, the macchiavellian [It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both] bespectacled leader of the democratic dictatorship snuck out from behind an ear lobe and presented one of his limbs to the unwarned Prince of the Kingdom of liberty and tea, aforesaid Prince could do nowt but shake the dark paw sturdily as commanded by a centuries old etiquette.

With Friends Like These
Poor Prince. He has to marry without his mummy and shakes hands with a monster. Where is the Royal Navy when you most need it? At least he still has a right to any dead whale that is washed onto the shores of Cornwall. He could probably marry it if he wanted to. Meanwhile the furore on the handshake is bound to go on. Do keep an eye on The Spectator (my favourite conservative journal) and less of an eye on the daily rags.

It is a pity that the sweet tongued Prince Consort was not present instead. I am sure that he would have dealt with the matter with much greater aplomb and when the smiling teeth of Bobby Mugabe would have shone into his face while the extended limb hung expectantly I would have given my life to be able to hear what Philip would come up with.

Moral of the Story
The moral is obvious: World Leaders and puppet Princes should read my blog. It is full of friendly advice. Mugabe, if you are reading this, may I just tell you that you are a downright asshole. Now that I have signed my death warrant I will sign off.

Look out for more prophecies on J�Accuse!

Bilhaqq: Sharon stop stealing ideas. I told you about Mugabe. I told you about the handshake. It is my scoop. I am the praemonitor. I am the one. I am. I am. Iam. :P

  • Prince Charles is about to marry Camilla Parker Bowles today. Aptly so, since he is Prince of Wales.
  • Robert the Saint Mugabe could attend the Vatican ceremony yesterday since the Citta' del Vaticano is not an EU state and therefore falls outside the EU ban on Mugabe. Italy had to allow Mugabe to travel through its Airports because of an agreement with the Vatican stipulating that travellers to the Vatican do not fall under EU laws and are considered as having landed in a Vatican airport.
  • The Vatican still considers the Royal Family and their religion as a heresy. In the words of the indignant journalists at The Spectator, the church views Anglican Bishops as nothing more than "old men in skirts".
  • George Bush has not been reported as having made any gaffes yesterday. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

5 commentaires:

Richard Marlowe a dit…

Without question ... the funniest, most ironic Blog I have had the greatest pleasure of feasting me old eyes on for ages!

Laugh? I almost voted Tory!!

wwwitchie a dit…

Finally!! The funny Jacques I know makes a proper debut to the blogging world. Loved it.

wwwitchie a dit…

PS: I didn't steal your idea, you ungrateful wretch. I just pinched your bum (if I have to stay with the theft metaphor) to get you going.

Jacques René Zammit a dit…

touchie wwwitchie.... you are already being credited for the idea... see Kenneths Online Repository (incidentally don't you think Kenneths pic is horrible on that site.. change it Ken those commas or whatever look like a pigs nostrils on your face)

Kenneth a dit…

Haha! That was actually an inside joke way back in June when I started the blog. The text superimposed on the face (which reads "nice try =)") does not usually appear unless a) you're using a laptop/TFT screen which makes colours way brighter by default b) your screen's brightness is set a tad high.

Anyways, when I'll have the time (actually, when I'll feel like it), I'll take your advice and change it. Nevertheless, thanks for the crit ;)

With love,
Robert Mugabe